Saturday, August 31, 2013

Pick yourself up...and dust yourself off...

My life as a heavy person…
When I was a child, I was skinny.  When I became a preteen (well, before preteen honestly) my body went crazy and I developed early and began gaining weight.  By the time I was 13 I looked much older for my age…proof in the picture below.


Hey, those clothes were cool then...so was the hair..and those shoes and socks...hmmm...
All through my middle school and high school years I was made fun of, called names and told just how fat I really was.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure if I wasn’t heavy, they would have found some other quality about me to make sure I knew that I did not fit in.  There are only a couple of times in my life that I remember specific moments that someone reminded me of my weight issue that embarrassed me so much that to this day I haven’t forgotten the memory.  One of those times happened when I was living in Michigan.  My husband and I were out shopping for a breakfast we were putting on for the dorm students.  I was standing in the fridge aisle trying to figure out which cinnamon rolls I should buy for these never ending pits of students.  As I was standing there my husband was next to me and I turned to ask him a question and he had this look on his face.  I didn’t know what was going on but my stomach dropped and in the moment I had a feeling of fear.  I have no idea what the fear was but I just knew something wasn’t right.  The only way I can describe this look Tim had on his face was maybe a look a person would give to protect someone from harm.  I asked him what was wrong and at first he just shook his head and said “nothing”.  I looked in the direction he was looking and all I saw were people shopping.  So I looked back at him and he was staring down someone or something…so I proceeded to ask what he was upset about.  He then told me that a lady had been following us through the store and taking pictures of me.  He didn’t realize it at first but he watched her take a picture of me later on.  I immediately felt sick to my stomach and could not focus on the task at hand.  I wanted to confront her, ask her what her deal was, scream at her my entire life story but 1) we couldn’t find her again and 2) it wouldn’t have mattered.  When I looked at the cart I totally understand why she probably felt the way she did about me. 

When I think of a description of me I have two different ones.  There is the one that talks about how I love to have fun, go on adventures, be crafty, laugh, smile and so on.  Though, those are true….the reality is…if you asked me how I really would describe myself…it would go something like…

A woman who has wished most of her life that she didn’t have to think about where she was going to sit, how she would fit, if she would fit, what people would think of her at any place where food was, she didn’t have to feel insecure about every bite, she would pray that people never knew the real size of clothes she had, or how much she weighed.  She daydreams of running, hiking, going horseback riding, riding on a plane, going on the fastest rollercoaster, being able to put her seatbelt on, wearing single digit clothing, having her husband carry her on his back, be able to climb out of a pool, go running after a toddler, have a baby and be absolutely carefree and not think my size would get in the way.

I am known for saying “You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help!”.  It’s. so. true. When I’m on a roll (no pun intended) and I’m working out, counting my calories, losing the pounds…I’m 100% dedicated.  And then it happens…one comment…one downfall…one health problem…and I’m down and out! Recovery is just long, and hard and no matter the “why” I have to work through a whole process to get myself back.

Just recently I was told how someone in our church understood how I was struggling with my health due to hormones but after seeing all the times I go out to eat with friends on facebook I shouldn’t wonder why I am so heavy.  At first I was like “you have no idea what I eat!” and then I was like “ask my husband I don’t eat a lot!” and then I just went into a spiral of emotions. Angry, mad, frustrated, sad, hurt and defeated.  My husband and I were talking about it (more like I was crying and he was trying to encourage) and in my sobs I said “I just don’t understand why people don’t like me.” He then looked me dead in the eyes and said “Ann, the truth is a lot of people may not like you because of your weight.” I was just shocked…completely and utterly shocked.  My heart felt as if it was stabbed by a knife (guess that’s where the verse about the tongue Psalms 52:2  Thy tongue deviseth mischiefs; like a sharp rasor, working deceitfully.) and my breath was taken away.  He named a couple of people in our lives right now who treat me that way and I could totally see what he was saying.  I was appalled because they aren’t so skinny either but reality had hit me like a brick wall and I just lost it….

Here is my confession.  I do not always choose the right foods.  Eating healthy is so expensive and when your friends do not eat the same as you its easy to avoid eating healthy.  We go out or have friends over often and because of that…we do not eat the healthiest.  I can honestly say, I do not eat a lot…but sometimes…depending on the time of the month…I may be a never ending pit.  I love sweets and salty.  They are probably the hardest for me to give up.  My brain is programed to have chips with a sandwich. The will to change my health is great…but the negative, downfall of me tends to be greater….

What am I going to do about it today….well its 8:40pm so I’m going to put my thoughts on paper and start my mission tomorrow….
I want to be healthy…I just want to feel good…
I have a whole list of health problems that will get in my way…
I have a whole list of people who will judge me no matter how the end results play out…
I have people who think they will be a help to me by saying “are you supposed to be eating that?” …
I have myself that will try and derail my true intentions…
I have got to do this for myself and for no other reason! I just can’t go on any longer like this…I really can’t.
I beat myself up because I want to have children and yet, I cannot keep one commitment to myself such as “get healthy already Ann Marie!”

Some people have had the blessing of medical help.  Some can afford to eat all organic and have someone help them make right choices…
I do not have that luxury so I’m going to start small and pray that I can work up to those things…

Ann…Listen to yourself…this is self speaking to you….
In two years you have managed to keep off 65 pounds.  That’s tremendous! You should be proud of that…but you have a lot of work ahead of you…listen to me…you have to do this….you have too…
You need to keep track of your calorie intake.  Every single thing that goes in your mouth needs to be written down.  You have several notebooks and an Iphone…do it already!
You can’t afford to buy organic…that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t buy it at all! Get your veggies…I know I know…you don’t like them as much…I don’t care...you need them! Try recipes…if you don’t like it…don’t make it again…you need to build up a list of recipes you like that are veggies…just do it…you need this to live.
You have to cut the sugar.  This will be the toughest challenge for you.  I’m begging you.  Give yourself a week of no sweets…and see the difference.  Not even fruit.  You are the most stubborn person I know…be stubborn about this…
For the next week…ONLY DRINK WATER! No non dairy drinks…no juices..no soda….just water!
Your foods need to be simple! Stop complicating them…simple ann…simple…
Start walking Ann…just do it…I know…you hate it…you can’t focus...you walk slow…who cares…at least you are out there doing it.  Walk Ann…start slow…start short but just walk…walk until you know you can’t walk anymore…but keep walking…remind yourself of what it was like to jog…how it helped clear you head…it helped you feel free and when you finished you loved every minute.  You need to start with walking…and then you can one day jog…but please Ann...walk…
Ann, I’m only telling you this one time (ok fine you know I will remind you!) stop worrying about what people think about you.  If they don’t like you for you, then you don’t need them.  You know the truth, you know who you really are, you know what the depth of your health struggles really are….don’t let anyone ever tell you different…
Ann…one more thing….believe that your husband loves you. He really does.  With all his heart.  He has been there through some of your toughest times.  He has carried you farther than anyone.  He has been one of your biggest cheerleaders…believe him when he tells you he thinks you are beautiful, and that he loves you.  Yes, he wants you to be healthy, yes, he wants you to be happy, but he loves you no matter what. 
I’m leaning on God.  He has been working and doing some amazing things in my heart…this is just one more thing to add to the list. 
Philippians 4:13  “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
I’m leaning on the one who knows me more than I know myself at times…my husband.  I know he will help remind me of what the goal really is…
I’m leaning on my true friends…the ones who are honest and true…and not just there when it is convenient to them.
I know deep down inside I can do this…I just have to remind myself daily….it will happen Ann…be strong….

soo...who is with me...anyone??? anyone?!?!?! lol 

2 comments:

Faith, Friends & Flip Flops said...

I am so sorry that people are so cruel with their words....you are such a beautiful person...inside and out! Weight is such a struggle...and it is so easy to get discouraged...but just to let ya know...I am with ya...I will walk this journey with you...so let's kick this weight things butt..it may be slow, and we may go forward two steps and back two...but that is ok..we will just keep tryin..just don't ever let things people say make u lose sight of your beauty! And those that don't like u because of your weight don't deserve to be your friend...

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain miss Ann..I struggle too..sweets is like a drug addiction.but you are right.its up to us to do it..nobody can do it for us..get up and get going!!! I know it but that's not enough. I have to DO IT! !!